Ping Pong

Yep, I have kiddos on a sleep over playing ping pong.  I'm watching them, and wanting to write about how life is like a freak'n ping pong game...but, I got noth'n.  I got a lot of dishes, and want get them to calm down and watch a movie and go to sleep.

Cute kiddos, and I love the Mommies.  We spent the day at the pool, and I'm super tired, but, I'm like 20 years older than them.  I wonder what kind of Mom I would be if I were 25, instead of 45.

Ha!  I got it,  Pretty--er.  More energy--er.  More patience--er.  More stupid-er--er -....

I think about the fact that my children will loose me when they are too young to loose a parent, but, we talk about it.  They have already lost their Dad.  Too young to die.  Man, I hate Cancer.

So, Ah Ha, ping pong comes into play......You serve, and I'll hit it back.  Twice.

Sunday.  I woke at 6 am with a passion to go to church.  Made the bed, showered, put on makeup, picked out clothes for The Kiwis, fed the fish, and put a load of laundry in.

All ready to wake the boys and get out of here, go to church.  Because I need a little "God" right now, this very minute.

Ah, they are tired, don't want to go.  What to do?  Scream, "Let's GO".  Or not.  I decide in my "Only Parenting" way that we will stay home and watch Joel Osteen on tv.  Now, I am not a religious person.  A bit of an existentialist, agnostic.  But, I do want my kids to grow up in the way that I did.  Yikes, Catholic, then Episcopalian.  Yikes.

We believe in God.  Yep, I just wrote that. Sometimes, I want to go a little more Old Testament.  More of a Jew, I am, OY......OY VAY.....A little bit of Yiddish.

My boys are at the age where they question.  Who, and What, and How did it.  I told them, just the other day..."I don't know".  I'm all of 45 and I don't know.  The cool thing is, you continue to question.  Never believe what some person says.  Look in your heart, and you will find your way.  Grow and Do, and Be, and Ask.

Knowledge is the best.  Decide for YOU'R self.  And when you're 45, you will probably be asking for more.

A long time ago, when I was, I don't know, about ten.  I made a deal.  I was old enough to know how to talk to God, on my own.  No Church, no parents, or youth group, just me and Him.  The deal is this..."Please be patient.  Let's talk.  I'm not sure what I believe, what I'm supposed to believe, but, you and I have a deal, right?  If You continue to believe in me, I'll do the same.  Don't give up on me.  I'll worship you."

And that is how I live my life with prayer.

A frown, or smirk, or smile

  

Don't matter much to The Kiwis.  They see beyond.  They told me that I have an angry smile.  I can only guess that it's not that pretty.  We had a family conference.  "Momma, you need to laugh", "Momma, what's hurting you?"  So simple, kids words.  When did I stop laughing.  Wasn't there a smile on my face just a few weeks ago?  Knock knock.  Who's there?  Banana.  Knock knock.  Who's there.  Banana.  Knock knock. who's there?  Orange.  Orange you glad I didn't say banana?  That puts a smirk on my face.

Speaking of Damn It

My Grandmother passed away just an hour ago.  Damn it, people and dogs and plants are dropping like flies around me.  Don't come to visit.

Here's the sad thing...I'm putting the boys down and I get the email, so I tell them and say, "Let's have a prayer.."  And Chuck goes, "It's not fair."  I say, "Sweetie, I know, it's not, but she was 93 and lived a long beautiful life, and had so many people that loved her, and....."  I go on and on, and he interrupts me and says, "No, it's not fair that our Dad died and we never even got to meet him."

Now, what the Hell do you say to that?

Writing A Book

Super crazy, who would read what I write?

See Spot Run

I have an audience for that.  This amazing woman is writing her 4th book and thinks that I could maybe style myself down with one.  Did I just write that?  It's not about writing a book.  I have this stuff in my head, and most of it I would prefer to not share, but the idea...Well, it would give me an excuse to be grumpy.  I could say things like, "Chuck, Damn It, I'm work'n here"....or "I don't know who or what is to blame, but I have a deadline...leave me alone, and be quiet, damn it"  I kinda like the damn it factor.  If I'm I writer, I can use those words, right?

Damn straight.

So...Once Upon A Time...

Dennis Hopper and Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul

The three of us were just hanging out one night watching The Lakers at his place in Taos.  I made snacks and he and The Re Re played.  He took pictures of the two of us, which, I fear, I will never see. He liked her.  Here's the cool thing....Dennis Hopper thought she was cool, that's COOL.  She was.

Peanut Butter and Jelly and Regret

We all have those three things, but at the same time, almost everyday?  Let me explain.  Years ago, my sister and I were talking about how we make PB&J's like our old step mom used to make them, where the peanut butter was thick and the jelly was spread all the way to all the ends of the bread, cut in corners, crust off.  I had just started making these sandwiches for my, then, 2 year olds.  But I swore that I made them just like Jane, our ex Step Mom.  We agreed, she was the best.  Our Mother was in earshot. She didn't say anything.  Paige, my sister, and I have never even talked about this, but, I feel like, "Why did I say that?  In front of my Mom?"  She clearly heard it, it must have hurt in some small way.  I just finished making those darn sandwiches for my kid's lunches tomorrow, and every time I spread the peanut butter and cut the crust off, I think of how horrible it must have felt.  I mean every time, and I make them a lot.

  My kids will never have a step mom.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  I know that I will never have to hear that conversation, and that's good for me.  I would never want to be compared to some other woman when it comes to my children.

There's a difference between a single parent and an only parent.  I choose the latter and that is making all the difference in the world.  A little Frost

So, what to do about PB&J's?  My Mom would say, "What, I don't even remember that, what are you talking about?"..or.."Farrah, let it go, make a sandwich."

She is a wise woman.